Welcome to The Stepmom Sleepover — our week(end)ly, virtual slumber party where you’ll find candid stories, skills to practice, and a roundup of relevant research highlights, book recs, stepfamily-approved recipes… in short: everything I’d be sharing if we were all gathered for a big, stepmom slumber party! So, grab a beverage, find a comfy place to plop, and let’s get this party started! 🎉
I dunno if it’s the 80% humidity here in Minnesota or what, but lately my thoughts keep drifting back to summer nostalgia.
I’m talking: Otter Pops…
(which I adored, but my husband swears were not a thing here in the Midwest. “We just called them ‘Freezies’,” he said. “We didn't have brand-name options like you fancy Californians...” 🙄 LOL. That man.)
…and Coppertone sunscreen, and heart-shaped sunglasses, and that mainstay of warm weather backyard hijinks:
The slip ‘n’ slide.
Now, I don’t know what kind of setup you were rocking back in the day, friend, but in our neighborhood it was just a humble, blue rectangle– sprayed down with a garden hose and hammered into place with those BS plastic stakes by a cussing grownup… only to be torn loose 4 seconds later.
But, whether your slip ‘n’ slide experience featured a neon, state-of-the-art series of bumpers, splash pads, and sprinklers— or a dusty old tarp— one thing we can all agree upon is this:
The natural enemy of the slip ‘n’ slide… is friction.
Friction is what separates a joyous, cooling romp in the sunshine from a body rash and aching everything.
And, speaking from personal (painful) experience, friction is what stops many a kid from even bothering with the damn slip ‘n’ slide the following summer.
Is it too much of a stretch if I suggest the same is true of navigating summer as a stepmom?
If every time you go to make a fun family plan (or set a simple boundary or initiate a necessary convo…) you feel the hot, frustrating burn of friction slowing you down, well…
Eventually, you’re gonna say “screw this!” and go sit in the figurative shade with an Otter Pop— oh, excuse me, a FREEZIE— like the smart kid you are.
And when it comes to reducing friction in your stepfamily life, I believe a weekly couple's check-in is worth its weight in gold.
Don't worry: This doesn't have to be a whole thing. Taking just a *bit* of time each week to touch base about some key areas of your family life can make a world of difference, I promise!
To help get you started, I'm sharing the basic outline my husband and I have used for the past decade, below. 👇
Now, let's cruise on over to the good stuff, shall we?
In my experience so far, the key to making your check-ins a weekly habit is to put some constraints in place:
Don't overcomplicate it. This isn't an hours-long summit covering every issue under your roof. It's a chance to get on the same page about some key areas of your stepfamily life.
Don't confuse it with a date. As tempting as it might be to roll this into your dinner out, I don't recommend it. Your check-in should be brief, focused, and substance-free. So, maybe consider kicking things off with a check-in and then feel free to enjoy a meal together and/or open that bottle of wine.
Do plan on it. If you wait for space in your schedule to check in with your partner, it might not happen. So, put your heads together, identify a day and time that works for you, and mark it off as a protected event in the calendar.
Next, it can help a lot to have a basic outline to follow. FANOS is one acronym we've used that covers the essentials:
Feelings: Start by sharing whatever emotion you're aware of in the moment (e.g., "I'm feeling kind of sad today," "I notice I'm feeling excited"). No need to elaborate further or try to explain why.
Affirmations: Offer an affirmation or positive feedback to your partner. This can include acknowledging a strength, expressing appreciation for something they said or did since your last check-in, or simply providing reassurance (e.g., "It was so helpful when you stepped in and handled dinner plans the other night. I really appreciated that").
Needs: Discuss each other's needs. This involves identifying and communicating what each person requires or desires in the relationship or in the specific situation being discussed (e.g., "I could use some help thinking through our summer travel plans," "I need some extra grace this week as I take on more responsibility at work").
Ownership: Take ownership of your feelings and actions. This means being responsible for your own emotions, behaviors, and contributions to the relationship dynamics (e.g., "I'm sorry I was in such an argumentative mood yesterday; it wasn't about you and I shouldn't have snapped at you like that").
Solutions: Work together to find solutions or resolutions. This could involve problem-solving, compromising, or brainstorming ideas to address any issues or concerns that have been raised (e.g., "Sounds like we agree the dinnertime calls from the other household are becoming disruptive. Would you be willing to coordinate a better time for the kids' mom to say goodnight?").
Like so many parts of stepmom life, this outline isn't rocket science. But, left untouched, many of these components have the potential to fester and grow into bigger issues.
So, whether you've been feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner or simply want to align your goals to function more effectively as a team, give the weekly check-in a try.
And gentle reminder to us all:
It's a heck of a lot easier to communicate as a couple if you're not scrambling to manage communications with the other household.
From coordinating schedules to documenting decisions to corralling messages into tidy, timestamped folders, a 3rd-party tool can make all the difference.
New here? Hi, I'm Michaela Bucchianeri, PhD — psychologist + stepmom of 12 years
…and I can’t wait to help you live a stepmom life you love.
Becoming a stepmom rocked my world in just about every way. And while this role brings so much potential for joy and fulfillment… the path to getting there isn't always intuitive.
Now? I'm on a mission to help you create a stepmom identity that's all your own– so you can worry less, shift your energy to whatever lights you up, and start having (way) more fun.
A few places to start:
Join my support group membership for stepmoms. Get unlimited access to 33+ LIVE, facilitated support groups (plus: a variety of monthly + seasonal “pop-up” groups). Stepmom life’s a whole lot easier when you’re not doing it alone!
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I’m so glad you’re here!